Four ways of leading and living

There are four ways of living and leading, and only two of them will ever lead to greatness.

I don’t really care about how well the startups run by my clients are doing. This statement will probably disqualify me as a coach in the eyes of 90% of founders, so the rest of the essay is for the 10% who are curious.

I believe that we cannot force ourselves to be great, but we can allow greatness to be expressed through us.

Whenever I meet, watch or read about someone outstanding, it strikes me that their work, whether it’s business, politics, music, or anything else, feels like it’s not their choice at all.

I can’t imagine Martin Luther King Jr. rationally deciding between fighting for civil rights and taking up a simple job—not rocking the boat.

I can’t imagine Jane Goodall making a rational decision between becoming an environmental advocate and doing something else.

I can’t imagine Steve Jobs rationally deciding between creating products he wanted to exist and doing something else.

Every time I see an example of greatness in any field, I see an individual who almost doesn’t have a choice. They simply know they have to do what needs to be done. Such founders and leaders are unstoppable.

Nature is effortlessly beautiful and perfect as the expression of life.

Four ways of leading

In 15 Commitments of Conscious Leadership, this shift is described as the transition from “by me” to “through me” stages in terms of both personal growth and growth as leaders. Here’s a short overview:

1. To me. Life is happening to me; I’m a victim of the circumstances.

2. By me. I have agency; I can make choices; I can achieve results.

3. Through me. I’m allowing life to flow; I trust the direction of life.

4. As me. There are no problems and no one to solve them; everything just unfolds.

If we act from a victim position of “life is happening to me”, we’re highly unlikely to achieve anything great. The right step from here is to assume agency and start taking responsibility for our actions.

Shifting to the “by me” perspective is a great step forward, but it’s not enough for greatness. To move from achieving results to allowing life to flow, we need to find a way to let go and trust that this will be okay.

If we allow life to express itself “through me”, we move towards effortlessness through letting go. It’s not easy at all. If you know what I’m talking about, you know how terrifying this may feel.

Another huge step forward is letting go of the separation between a sense of ego and the rest of life, which is what many spiritual practices are all about. That’s how we allow things to flow “as me.” There’s no me allowing or even witnessing life flow through me—there’s just life.

If I think about anyone I know who achieved anything great, they operated from “through me” or “as me” perspectives. From the “by me” perspective, you find excellence, not greatness. Your best employees are probably operating from the “by me” perspective, and that’s a good thing for the business.

The best founders and leaders will have no choice but to adopt the “through me” perspective, honouring their talents and allowing them to express themselves.

That’s why I say I don’t care about how well the companies my clients run are doing. If I did, I would be conspiring with my clients to keep them in the “by me” perspective, helping them achieve excellence in the short term but sacrificing something more meaningful in the long term — a shift to the “through me” perspective. I believe their businesses will do much better in the long term if they are led by leaders operating from the “through me” perspective.

These four stages are linear, at least in the overwhelming majority of cases. As children, we are born helpless, with things happening to us. Asserting our agency, building a healthy ego and learning to achieve results is a huge and very healthy step forward. This is where the vast majority of adults stop in their development.

But the really interesting things happen if we keep growing and learn to surrender to the next two stages of growth and leadership. That is why, paradoxically, letting go of trying to make something happen is sometimes the key to making it happen — it’s the hidden door for the shift from “by me” to “through me” perspective that opens only as long as we don’t try to open it.

A wonderful paradox, don’t you think? :)